i've seen more spine in jellyfish

To be standing at the edge alone is horrifying. And no matter how many people or how many times they say they're there with you, if it doesn't feel like it

then it just doesn't count.

I hate people that have somebody. (Hate's a strong word. Maybe incredibly-disgruntled-and-hopeless-feeling is better to say.) I don't mean relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends. I mean people that have friends that would do anything for them. The you jump I jump kind of friend. All around me are people with the only thing I've ever wanted. That person.

It's not supposed to be so hard. I feel like a defective magnet. My psychologist says I should keep my friendships intact because they are what will get me through this. I tell him it seems like I try so hard that it's pushing them away. I asked him how to fix it. He says I'm overthinking things.

Maybe I'm supposed to be the martyr in this story. Not the one that jumps. I'm better than that. But the one with the eternally held out hand who should know better than to expect the same. Subservient hand holder is subservient and should expect no more or no less.

Hello again, life's impasse. Didn't expect to see you so soon. Thing is, I know that there is so much richness and good to my life, but my eyes and heart are simply blind to it. They won't listen to logic. Like my brain is the outcast to all other body parts.

In this moment I really dislike movies. I'm not a fan of TV. They really do give you unrealistic expectations about everything. Their beauty and flawlessness make real life seem like the hell of its heaven. I want so much to be an optimist, a Christian, someone who has consistency to hold on to. Instead of having this doubt cloud hang over my shoulders that keeps reaffirming itself with every failed relationship.

Is there someone out there besides mom and dad (I love you both so much) that will stand by me and always be thinking "I wonder how she is. Is she okay?" I've always felt left behind. Just like my brain, the outcast to so many of life's circles or held out hands. There must be something wrong with me. A character flaw or three that sways people in the opposite direction. Do I try too hard? Not enough?

I need feedback. I need to know why I feel so abandoned all the time and if or not it's my fault. That's why I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist. And for the first time in my life, I don't see that as a place for people with a last resort or as a way of giving up. I see it as an opportunity to discover myself.

Because something isn't right and I have to fix it. I will not give up.

From now on and forever:




Update circa two years later:
Guess I've changed my mind.